Not “Who done it?” but a “Why did he do it?”

Helen and I were on a Cruise Ship, in the Crow's Nest, having a nightcap. I heard one of the bar staff asking a passenger if he was ok. This is my interpretation of what may have happened.

Twelve fifteen and all but one of the passengers had gone, leaving Pagi and Imran to tidy up. Pagi walked over to the man slumped over in his chair, “Hey, man, come on, it's time to close,” Pagi said, tapping the back of the chair.

The man jolted awake, his eyes darting around the room in confusion. He had dozed off unintentionally, and now, with a sense of urgency, he knew he had to stay two steps ahead.

“Come on, man, we have to tidy up. I've been on shift since seven this morning. I need my beauty sleep,” Pagi looked at Imran and laughed.

“Sorry, where am I?” the man said calmly.

Pagi laughed, "The Crow’s Nest on Arcadia, where do you think you are?”

“I don't know, I can't remember,” looking around. The man stared at Pagi, “Arcadia, what's that?”

“Imran, get over here,” Pagi shouted, “I think he’s had too much to drink; he'll need a lift back to his cabin.” 

Imran came over. “Hey, have you got your cruise card?” Imran gave Pagi a look as he should have asked for his cruise card before bothering him.

“This'll tell us his name, and we can find out what cabin he's in.”

“Card, what card, the man stood up, patted down both trouser pockets, “I have nothing,”

“Stop messing about, man,” Pagi said jovially, “It’s late.”

“Look, I don't know who I am, or where I am, or how I got here.”

“Ok, ok,” Imran walked over to the phone on the wall and rang security. He explained what he knew and put down the receiver, “Security is on their way,” he shouted over to Pagi. “They can see us on the monitor, they said, don't let him out of our sight.”

Pagi sat down beside the man, "Hey, man, don't worry, we'll sort it out.”

A few minutes later, two security officers in full uniform came walking into the Crow's Nest. All four nodded to each other. “Explain again what's going on,” the Chief Safety Officer asked.

Pagi went through the last twenty minutes.

“Right, Mr…,” Dave Tennant, the Chief Safety Officer, put out his hand to the man.

“I don't know what you want me to say. I don't know who I am, or how I got here”

“Ok, can I check your pockets?” the Chief asked. 

“Yes, but I don't know how it will help. I have nothing.” He stood and let the Chief pat him down, knowing he wouldn't find anything. 

While he was doing this, the other safety officer took his photograph using his phone and sent it to the security office to compare it with the passengers' lists. 

“Nothing in his pockets,” the Chief said.

“Can you come with us? We'll make you a bit more comfortable.” He held his arm out to direct the man out of the bar. 

“Yeah, sure,” Leaning against the wall as they walked, “Are we moving? The floor feels a bit wobbly,” he asked.

“Yes, you’re on a cruise ship in the middle of the Mediterranean."

The man stood for a minute, “On a cruise ship, you say?” he looked around at the decor and the signage “How did I get here?”

“That, my friend, is what we intend to find out.” The Chief pressed the button to call the lift. On reaching the security office, the Chief asked Trainee Safety Officer Rita Patel if anything had come up on the facial recognition software. 

“No, Nothing, Sir. And at this time, no one has been reported missing.”

“OK,” the chief said, "We need to do a head count.”

“What a One in the Morning?” Officer Patel inquired.

“Well, it is a bit late, but what would happen if it were the other way around and instead of finding someone, we were looking for someone?” 

“The chief has a point.” Officer Barns said, looking at Rita.

“Let me run it by the captain first.” The chief took his phone out of his pocket and walked out of the small Security Office. After a while, the chief came back into the office,

“The captain's on his way down, let him make the call.”  

The captain walked into the room. The three Officers nodded and said Morning. The captain replied with, “Morning.” His eyes gave it away; he wasn't happy being woken up. 

“Right, Mr,” The Captain turned to Officer Barns, “What we still don't know is his name.”

“That's correct, Sir, and the facial rec has come back negative, to anyone who boarded in Southampton on the 4th.”

“So how the hell does someone get on board MY Ship in?” he put his hands in the air, “Southampton or Lisbon, make his way to the Crow’s Nest, and not know how he got there? Can someone answer me that, you guys are my safety officers.” Officers Barns and Patel straightened their backs and looked at each other.

“I  don't know, Sir,” Trainee Officer Patel answered, “But we are trying to get to the bottom of this.”

“Trying is not good enough, Rita, if we have ONE Stowaway, we could have more.”

The Captain and the Chief Safety Officer walked off to have a private talk. On returning, the Chief said. “Right, we are going to do a cabin check, we have enough people to do this, we start aft, work our way forward. Using the entertainment team and some trusted waiters, we should be done in two hours. On your tablets, you will have a cabin list and pictures of who should be in that cabin” Officer Downs put his hand up,

“Yes, Downs.” The captain answered.

“What if they are asleep and don't open the door?” 

“Open it, you have a pass key.”

Rita looked at Downs with raised eyebrows. 

“We dock in Alicante in seven hours, we…, NO. I need an answer in six.”

Trainee Safety Officer Patel started on deck one, port side, even numbers. 

----------

‘Knock-Knock.’

“Hello.” 

“Evening, Ma'am, this is Trainee Safety Officer Rita Patel. We are just doing a security check. Can you please open the door?”

The door opened. “It’s a bit late, don't you think, dear?” 

“Yes, ma'am, but as I said, we are doing a cabin security check. Can you tell who is in the cabin with you?” Trainee Officer Patel was looking at her tablet.

“Oh, it's just me and Harold, but he’s asleep; he had a pill with his hot milk.” She smiled.

“Thank you, and your name?”

“Janice, I'm Janice Winterbottom, and my husband is Harold Winterbottom.”

“Thank you, Ma'am, you can go back to sleep now.” The door closed.

Trainee Office Patel said to Jan, from the entertainment team, who was accompanying her. “This isn't going to work, it’s gonna take forever.” 

One hour later, “I was right, it's going to take forever.” Rita said, knocking on cabin 036. 

‘Knock-knock’

“No answer, " Jan said, “Could be heavy sleepers.” Rita knocked again, but harder. Still no answer, she used her pass key to open the door. Finding two people asleep, using her torch. She looked at their faces and checked against the database, and it was correct. Before exiting, she looked around the cabin, seeing two empty bottles of Champagne. Shaking her head, she closed the door behind them, and they moved on.

At five o'clock, all teams were back in the security office. And the consensus was that no one was missing. So, the mystery man must be a stowaway.

The Chief Safety Officer, Dave Tennant, contacted the captain, who explained that all cabins had been checked and no one was missing. A few angry passengers, but overall, most complied.

“Right, folks, thank you for your assistance. Those who are not on duty can go off to bed, and those who are on duty have time for a quick shower and change. We will dock in Alicante in one hour. We will chat with our mystery man later; he's not going anywhere.

As the sun rose over Alicante’s harbour, casting golden light across Arcadia’s polished decks, Officers Patel and Downs stood at the gangway, watching the tide of passengers spill out—laughing, snapping photos, bartering with taxi drivers. Others had arranged ship-organised trips, walking off to their allocated coaches. None of them knew a man had boarded the ship without a trace. No ticket. No luggage. No name.

Seven O'clock that evening, in an Interview room below all the passenger decks, the mystery man sat at a table with a bottle of water. He had been fed and watered, and he had been allowed to stretch his legs by walking around the prom deck. “So, can you tell me how you got on the ship? Who helped you? Where are you supposed to be getting off?” The Chief inquired.

Shaking his head and having several hours to concoct a back story, he said, “Once again, I don't know anything. The last thing I remember is that I was sitting in a bar drinking alone, and a young couple at the table next to me started up a conversation, that's it.”

“OK, where was the bar? What did they look like? Can you describe them?”

“England, I guess, I don't think I've ever been abroad.” Holding his head in his hands, he thought for a while, “The couple were young, maybe in their thirties.”

“OK, we're getting somewhere. White, Black, Indian, Chinese, what about their accents? English, European, Russian, American, what?”

“I don't know, it's all blurry.” Taking a sip of the water, he looked at the Chief Safety Officer, “What will happen to me?”

“Well, we have checked all the CCTV from Lisbon, and you definitely didn't get on there. So, our only option is to keep you on the Ship and return you to Southampton and hand you over to the Police in England”

“How long will that be?”

“Why,” The Chief inquired, slapping his hand down on the desk. “You have somewhere to be?” He shouted. Then lowered his voice, saying, “This, if you didn't know, is a six-night cruise we are on our way back to Southampton.”

A knock on the door made both men look at it. “Come in,” said the Chief.

“Sir, you're needed up top,” Trainee Safety Office Rita Patel, who had now been on duty for eighteen hours, informed the Chief.

“Thanks, can you take…, our stowaway back to the Brig, make sure he has enough food, water, blankets, whatever he wants.”

“Yes, Boss,” she replied. The Chief walked out, leaving Rita with the Stowaway.

“You really don’t remember anything?”

“No, as I said, I was in a bar, I got chatting to a young couple, the next thing I remember I was sitting in the…, nest”

“Crows, Nest, the bar is called the Crow’s Nest”

“Oh, well, whatever it's called, I was there, why I don't know.”

                                                                           -----

The Chief met up with the captain to update him, but he had nothing to say. It was a short meeting. On his way back past the medical bay, he popped in, “Hi Doc, you have a minute?”

“Sure, what's the problem, your ulcer playing you up again?”

“Ha, no, it’s this chap we found on board, can you do an X-ray? I'm curious, he might be a mule, you know, pumped full of drugs, and when he gets to his destination, he will be cut open, drugs taken out, and left for dead.”

“A Bit Busy at the moment, but bring him by in the morning.”

“Thanks, Doc, will do.”

Alicante came and passed. After a quiet night, the stowaway was taken to the medical bay and had an X-ray; nothing was found inside him. So, the Doctor took some blood with his permission; of course, nothing untoward was found. The man was now having a meal in the Brig. 

Trainee Safety Officer Rita Patel was dealing with a passenger who had brought on board Five Hundred Munjaro fat-loss pens. She had a legitimate Nails and Beauty business in Essex and purchased the Fat Loss pens with her business account, and was holding an Invoice. Rita was unsure if she could confiscate the pens or not, as they weren't on any list of illegal items. On chatting with the passenger, it turns out she bought them for twenty-five pounds each and could sell them for One Hundred and twenty-five, making a clear profit of one hundred pounds each. There was no mention of Tax or VAT being declared.

      Safety Officer Downs had sent the picture of the mystery man to PandO's security team at their head office, and a reply came back. He was looking at the screen when the chief walked in. “Boss, I think we have a name.”

“About bloody time, where is this from?” he quizzed.

“Head office, someone there put it through facial recognition, and we have a name.”

“Well, come on, spit it out.”  The Chief took out his phone, ready to ring the captain.

“Alan Smith,” Downs answered. The Husband of the late Mrs Smith, you know, the old lady who,” he nodded his head sideways, not wanting to say it out loud. 

“What, The Mrs Smith who Died?”

“Yes, the one and only.” Officer Downs moved over so the Chief could sit down at the monitor and look at what he had found. Officer Downs opened a clip from the Buffet, there, he pointed at the screen, “Here he is going into breakfast, I've gone back for the six weeks and he goes up to the Buffet every day at 09:30 hrs. then” he opened another clip, “Here he is again at twelve, I've checked each day going back the six weeks, he entered the Buffet for lunch. Oh, and look here, this is where he has been hiding the cruise card.” On the screen, they both saw Alan slide the cruise card between large paintings on the wall at the stairwell between decks five and six, mid-ship. 

“Ok, I get it now, he's using the Buffet for his meals, no need to check if he had a cruise card, because he never carried it with him, but where has he been sleeping for the last six weeks? Can someone tell me that? And.” The chief was wagging his finger, “AND, what was all that about sitting in a bar talking to a young couple?”

“Something of a misdirection.” Trainee Officer Patel countered.

“Good thinking, Rita,” the chief answered, patting her on the shoulder. “Right now, we know what we're looking for: scroll back six weeks, find him, find where he's been sleeping, and find if anyone has been helping him. I need a word with the captain." The chief left his orders and went to meet the captain. 

Officer Downs smiled at Rita, “Sorry, I've got to finish this about the Munjaro. She still thinks it's ok to bring into the UK, Five Hundred Munjaro Fat Loss pens, and there will be no consequences, but before I start, can you tell me about Alan Smith?” Rita shook her head. “I’ve only been on the ship for three weeks.”

“Well,” Officer Downs started, “Mr Smith’s wife died on board, we were at sea between Vigo and Southampton, she had a heart attack, and as the morgue was under repair due to leaky pipes. She was kept in their cabin C163 until we returned to Southampton. She was in a coffin, not just on the bed.” Officer Down was clicking on his keyboard. "And for some strange reason, C163 had never been booked since, and look here,” he moved the monitor so she could see it. “This is the camera footage for Canada Deck. It looks like Mr Smith has been staying in C163. I need to tell the Chief."

“No, wait,” Rita said. “Let me have a word with Mr Smith first. I have some understanding of grief; I know what he must be going through.”

Officer Downs looked at Rita, their eyes locking for a moment longer than necessary, “Well, it’s up to you.” He shook his shoulders and looked away, wondering what had just happened.

The Trainee Safety Officer took Mr Smith a coffee. Walking into the room, she smiled. “Hello Alan,”

He looked up at her and smiled, “Didn't take you long, did it?”

“We have a good team here.” She passed him the coffee.

“Thanks,” he nodded and smiled. He could sense her kindness.

“No sugar, just how you like it.” 

Alan raised his brows and gave Rita a stare.

Rita smiled and sat down beside him. “We've been watching your movements for the last few weeks.”

He smiled again.

“It’s about your wife, isn't it?” Rita lowered her head on one side and spoke sympathetically. 

Alan smiled then nodded his head, “When I got home, after…, you know,  it was different, the house, it wasn’t a home anymore.” Rita saw a spark come to life in Alan. “You know we spent more time on the ships than we did at home, since our retirement, that's it.”

“So, after your wife died, how did you get back on board?”

“Oh, that was easy. I worked in the Civil Service for forty years. Sorry, I couldn’t tell you what I did. I signed an NDA before they released my pension.”

Rita smiled, not really knowing what Alan meant.

“I've always known,” he continued, "If you look confident and walk with authority, you can get in anywhere.” 

“I don't understand.” Rita looked quizzical.

“Well, the week after the Funeral, I saw online that Arcadia was in Southampton. So, I put on my suit. I took a taxi to the port, hung a lanyard around my neck, and in the plastic card holder was an old cruise card, on which I cello-taped a photograph of myself. After entering the embarkation room, I chatted with a couple of the staff and the passengers. I moved around, letting people think I should have been there. I know a lot about the ships, we've been on a few, you know” Alan took a sip of the coffee.

“Did no one challenge you?”

“Oh no. As I said, walk with authority and you can get in anywhere.”

“So how did you get on board?” Rita took notes on her pad.

“Well, a couple with a wheelchair had just passed the check-in desk, so I walked over, introduced myself, and took control of the wheelchair. The man walked beside me, and I pushed his wife out of the holding pen, which is what the agency staff call it. We went along the bridge, into the ship, as they both scanned their cruise cards at the podium. I smiled at the chap sitting behind it and just said to him. Dropping these off at the lift, then I'll be back out.”

“Did he not challenge you?” Rita looked astonished.

“Oh no, he looked half asleep, he glanced at my card hanging around my neck. You know, I don’t think he was even looking at the monitor.”

“So, what did you do then?” Rita was busy scribbling down what Alan had said.

“I went to C163, that was where I spent my last two weeks with Mary," he thought for a minute, "There was a card in the little box, so I took it and went inside. I waited till the ship set sail, then took off my suit jacket and shirt, underneath had a T-shirt, I then walked to the buffet and had something to eat.”

“And nobody ever challenged you?” Rita asked again, making more notes on her pad.

“No, that must be the fourth time you asked, and once again, no one ever challenged me.”

“So, what did you do then?”

“Well, after I had eaten, I went back to the cabin. No one was using it, so I did.”

“And you've been there ever since?”

“Yes,”

“How did you go on for clothes, toiletries and things?”

 “I don't want to get anyone into trouble, but a few of the staff helped me out by washing my clothes, and getting me some new underwear, clothes and things when they went on shore. They also kept the cabin clean and stocked up with coffee and such”

Rita was writing down her notes and shaking her head, “I don't believe this”

“Am I in trouble?” Alan asked.

“I guess so, but it’s not up to me.”

“Oh, there is something you should be aware of, the cabin next door, I think something untoward is going on, all day and night, people are popping in, I guess for sex, with some of the noises I hear from the balcony”

Rita gave out a giggle and rememberd seeing a Pineapple sticker on the door, then made a note of the cabin Number.

In the security office. Officer Downs had recorded the conversation between Rita and Alan; he also contacted the Chief Safety Officer to come back so he could report what Rita had got out of Mr Smith. Playing back the recording, the Chief was dumbfounded; he couldn't believe how easy Mr Smith had gotten back on board, and had been staying in C163 for this amount of time undiscovered. Someone was going to get it in the neck for this, and it wouldn't be him.

The next morning, after the Chief had formally interviewed Mr Smith and they realised that he wasn't a flight risk, the ship was sailing through the Bay of Biscay, where could he go? The captain had agreed and allowed him to move back into C163 until they docked at Southampton. Mr Smith produced a debit card and offered to pay for his cabin and for the previous six weeks, but the captain wouldn't have any of it. He was also given an up-to-date cruise card. So, he could have his meals in the main dining room and move about the ship just like the other passengers. 

Word soon got around the Ship about Mr Smith, and it wasn't long before he had become a hero. The Entertainment Manager asked him if he would like to talk about his experience at the Globe Theatre, but he declined. When the ship docked in Southampton, several reporters and camera crews were waiting to interview Mr Smith, but he just wanted to get home, pack a bag and return to cabin C163. In his taxi ride home, he had contacted his travel agent and booked cabin C163 for the foreseeable future.